BIG HEYA TO ALL

hey everyone,

my names damien, it means 'to tame' in greek so it aint all that bad.lol...born in uk...moved to south africa when i was wee one...and lived over there for just shy of 20 years..then moved back to england....now in dublin...gona stay permanently:)

thanks for accepting me on this forum:) found the link on a guestbook on some other site


heres a lil about me and my daily routines....my mini novel...lol...bad habit??wrong section of the forum??lol

alot of my problems i believe have stemmed from previous experiences that i have not dealt with properly over the years...


heres a couple hardcore habits that have rendered me isolated from civilization.lol...

i have to sit/stand in a special position with people,because i think i look better in that angle through their eyes..lame i know..its fekin iritating..lol...i have a major complex with my looks...i think i look worse in the daylight than in the night... i hate cameras with a passion..how the fek can I look ok in the mirror but look so grotty in a pic?? which way do people see me??like they do in the mirror or like they do in a pic??that thought plagues me...but if i look so grot in the pic do i look even grottier in real life?lol...mirror mirror on the wall...evil things...they say you see yourself how you want to be seen in the mirror....

i cant let people walk behind me at any time...i get too paranoid...if someone is behind me i will stop and wait for them to pass...i have been held up at gunpoint from someone behind me so thats where i believe that fear stemmed from...

i have not got one real friend....facebook freinds is all i have...i used to have a few years ago...the only people i talk to is my dad and gran on the phone...who both live in different countries,besides them i dont speak to many people at all...when i do its only a quick 2 minute convo and then iam out of there asap...heart thumpin...feels like they are too close to finding out the real me...or what i believe is the real me...weak,scared,worthless,small(not 'earthly wise'enough),narrow-minded,childish,wierd....this leaves me with just me and my thoughts most of the days...which does my head in...

iam more capable of having intelectual conversations and a bit of small talk with one person only...groups are out the question,i cant do small talk at all without acting all goofed...lol...and at my age,who the fek wants to be talking about politics at a party?lol..thats why you wont see me at a party...dont go to pubs, however i do go to clubs cause i dont feel bad about not talkin to anyone with the music blaring...just drink and dance..so easy..lol...

i stay in my room most of the day smoking cigs,drinking,doin drugs(benzos) and constantly on the net looking for ways to make money...legally and illegally....my whole life seems to revolve around money...iam constantly worried that i will loose everything i have....i have ended up on the street before so that fear is constantly with me that it will happen again...


i think my social anxiety/the way i act was caused by my drug of of choice(crack cocaine),because i had friends before then and i was just fine, i started smoking that rubbish when i was about 14 till about 17, then i was in rehab for two years under court order.yup,two whole fekin years.which believe it or not is minor years compared to some peepz in there...that was the most intense thing i have had to go through, i would not accept that i was an addict and i was very oppositional,infact,they said i was the most oppostional person they have ever come across...lol..crazy dayz...until i started to work the program i was slowly but surely making my way outta their...i never did work the program properly tho, was more talkin the talk than walkin the walk..but i had to get out somehow..lol..nevertheless,i have been clean from that drug now for about 3 years:)

Although i have substituted and now self medicate benzos to relieve my anxiety..and smoke a lil pot...it gets me through my day....

i go to bed at around 4am and wake up at about 3pm everyday...not healthy i know...i dont have the motivation/drive to do much....but when i do...boy i get things done...i think i become too complacent(when i make enough cash)

i have boutz of 'Iam going to Die' moments...not to kill myself...just feels like iam dying....panick attacks as they call em....

i have not been in a proper relationship with a girl before, although i have managed to maintain a few flings over the years but fekin hell i had to put on a show to act as normal as i could but they soon realised i was some wierdo and left me brokenhearted....try not to get involved with woman cause i seem to fall in love after one word...yearn to be loved ,to love and just be normal...feels like i have missed out a huge gap of normal living which is progressing everyday...i really dont wanna wake up when iam 50 stil a paranoid fekker...lol

as difficult as my life is presently is...my life so far has been one heck of a ride tho lukin back....says me who is only 22 sounding like a grandpa...


on to more positive stuff, traveling over to england for 1 week next weekend for my grans birthday...lukin forward to a home cooked meal...sick of all these take-aways.lol.....got my motorcycle license(only learner one tho-its a start.lol),gonna get me a bike sometym soon...i believe it will be VERY 'therapeutic' for me...


anyways, i hope to make some good friends and pick up on a few hints,tips and tricks on this forum from you lot to get me 'on par' with things...baby steps yea...this site is rather quite,infact it looks a bit dead, but i guess and hope in the future it will pick up nicely

thanks again

d

haha jeez that looks like one hek of a post ...didnt realize...goodluck guyz reading that..sorry.lol

Hey Damien,how are you today?

Haha,that certainly is one heck of a post, but fair play to you for writing it....can relate to alot of what you wrote especially about talking in groups and only really having friends on the internet...that was my life for years,and it was something i never thought id get out of...

thankfully though i did,and have actually been asked by a few seperate groups now to give talks to groups on social phobia and depression,so thats a complete reversal on where i once was...

liked your little positive piece towards the end, fair play on getting your licence...i think its really important to dream,you'll have your bike in no time at all

So what do you like to do? if you hadnt SA what do you think you'd be doing right now??

Carl

not three bad..better than not too bad

the way i see it...if you put effort in...which is hard...things beyond your wildest imagination will start happening...i bet you would never had dreamt in a million years you would be doing what you are now doing a couple years ago....

thats where the insanity of it all comes in.... if i know that great things will happen over time, and with practice....why dont i do it? i think its because of my bad traits of wanting instant gratification....a quick fix....doing things without having to put the effort in...pure laziness,stubborness, and all those nasty traits...its very easy for me to use a substance(booze or pop a pill) to change the way i feel almost instantly,but its only temporary and damn idiotic...and i just feel like shite afterwards and it doesnt cure any of my problems in the least.... i reckon this applies to alot of other SA people as well,if not all SA peepz,with regards to the wanting of instant gratification...just leaving a crowded room is a sigh of relief ...so easy to do..just walk away....doesnt lead to happiness tho...

well last night i decided i was going to go to a first meeting today, specifically an NA meeting....as i havent been to one in yonks....but that turned out to be a fail....just stayed at home...
If i didnt have SA, i would probably be owt with real mates on the dating scene , chatting up fine woman without any problems.....haha that will be the day....
what i presently enjoy doing,is having a few beers while watching funny youtube clips...lol...i definately need to find myself a hobby of some sort...lol...

how you mate and what you up to???which side of eire you at???

First of all its great that you believe anything is achieveable if you can just put your mind to it, that’s a fantastic starting point to getting over SA….

The problem arises that the mind will always revert to habit, to where it is comfortable…Kurt Cobain had a fantastic lyric which was ‘I miss the comfort of being sad’…from a logical point of view that should make no sense at all, yet that’s exactly how I felt for years…I was in such a habit of feeling sad, unmotivated, worthless etc that for the brief moments id actually feel happy I wouldn’t be able to deal with it, happiness was way outside my comfort zone….

So what you say about wanting instant gratification, which again I completely understand, is just your mind looking for happiness in places it knows wont work, because you are in a negative pattern of thinking, you will look for acceptance etc in places you know you probably wont find it……again this is just your mind making sure your reality is in line with what you are thinking, and what you believe….

The way out of this is to reverse the habit, which may seem like a tough thing to do but I can tell you its not that hard…there will be moments where you have to fight, but with a little effort you can achieve so much, I guarantee there is a way out…I would never have thought I could lead a happy and fulfilled life…I found myself living alone, in dublin city centre, not a friend in the world, honestly I was at crisis point…I had two options, to either give up on life, or to decide I was going to change…I decided the latter and I can honestly say within 4 months I had a decent social life, and since then ive come across so many wonderful people…its like a snowball effect, if you can turn your thinking into positive, and you see a result, then you can go for more, you’d be surprised at how quickly things can change…

I know that many have probably started this process only to have a moment of weakness where you revert back to what is comfortable, and so find your life hasn’t changed at all, and I know this can feel so demoralising…luckily for me I had done so much research and study of how my mind was working that I could fight through these weak moments…the thing is though everyone has the ability to do this..

Also, I think with many the main problem is that we feel we have no control over our lives, if we meet someone they might make us do something we don’t want to do, or something we cant handle etc…sure I used to be terrified of answering phones as I would feel I wasn’t fully prepared to deal with what might be said (sounds so silly now but was a massive problem for me back then)….but the thing is to realise that we are all in control of our lives, and with SA there has been a decision by you (subconsciously) to hand control over to others, and how others may think etc…but still its something you have done…not anyone else…this was a massive thing for me to realise…

Anyway, excuse the length of this, was just trying to out do your first mail, haha
Hope this makes some sense to you…

I live in Dublin and am an (employed) architect, have to put the employed bit in these days, haha, but am seriously considering returning to uni to study psychology.

Anyway, hope what ive written makes sense to you, im sure it does, from what you’ve written I think you have a decent grasp of how things are working. Feel free to ask any questions you may have, would love to try and help J

hey damien,

Wow you've moved around a lot.
I've moved around a bit too - mostly to escape everyone and everything i know, but it doesn't work.
You may be in a new place with every intention to start afresh, but you still have the same head, the same thoughts, and the same fears.
So when i moved to Tipp i went straight for therapy (though that was after a nervous breakdown)!

i have to sit/stand in a special position with people too, and usually refuse to sit on stools. I hate when others take photo's of me - i always look terrible! Have to take photos myself from a certain angle!
I'm short tho - so it helps that people usually look down at me so ill look thinner than i think i am.
I hate how i look in the mirror though - ive started to avoid them!
I think its better to look worse in photo's and better in the mirror.
At least if someone see's a photo of you and you look bad in it, they won't be disappointed when they see you in person, cos you'll look better!
I look so much better in photo's!
I once met up with a guy who was texting me. A friend of a friend. Thought i was pretty in photo's but the second he saw me in person he made vomiting noises and left!!!

i cant let people walk behind me either - especially when im carrying a bag - which i usually do - it makes me feel less anxious to be seen walking with a bag for some reason... i stop and wait for people to pass too - and make it obvious i don't trust them!
Owch, gunpoint...
Thats scary! I'm just afraid of getting mugged.

I just lost all my friends where i live... Story of my life!
So i know how shitty it is to have none.
Like ive about 500 friends on facebook but most live far away, and the ones that don't, I can't even talk to in person!!

I haaaate small talk too - its strange. I find small groups easier than one on one conversation cos someone else can always start conversation!

How long were you on the streets for?
I'm tempted to use drugs to relieve anxiety sometimes, but they'd prob just make me worse- knowing my personality!

I've had the "I'm-goin'-to-die-moments" a lot too.
Relationships have been shit with me too.
Always been cheated on and left for someone else.
Don't think I've ever had my heart broken tho - just been pissed at myself for not being good enough!
Like you, I'm real paranoid that im being messed around and cheated on.
My bf at the mo is the first person to ever slightly understand me and it makes a huge difference (tho ill always be a paranoid wreck)...

Ah bikes are brilliant - i dunno what it is about em but i used to love going to work on the back of one.

You'll love this forum. It may look dead but theres usually one or two of us lurking about!!

haha jeez....i thought i was bad with the novel thing,glad iam also not alone on that one:) .... i dunno what to say...lol...iam blank... thanks for taking the effort with the posts both of you...its gonna take me a while to digest though cause iam so knackered..lol... ye carl,the comfort zone... thats exactly it...stepping out the comfort zone is the hard part...says my mind who doesnt wanna step out...lol..but like you say...i need to re-wire my brain...reprogramme it.... reverse those habits that i chose to stick with which has made my life 'bland'....goto walk the walk though...how long have you been recovered now carl??

x-no-oil-painting-whats ye name??lol.. haha you have loads of my irritating traits...sux big tym... was on the streets on a good few occassions but not for long periods of times.... a couple of weeks on each occassion...was awful... i was walking to a take-away the other night at like 1am....and just i was about to enter i saw this guy begging for food from the people at the take-away....i was sickened...i walk straight back home feeling sad and miserable....i knew how that guy felt for that brief moment of time...iam just really lucky at the mo to have my own flat,savings and the basics...and i dunno what i would do if i had to lose what i got now...anyways, if you guyz didnt notice....i have a bad habit of making more than enough dots like after every sentence....haha...was told off by a dude on another forum for doin it... lol... jeez... god it feelz like i have been typing this message for ever...feel so dozy... what ye both up te??ye copin okay at the mo??