I'm feeling completely and utterly horrible. Shane honestly deserves an award for staying with me as long as he has. I hate myself so much lately, even though I'm trying to convince myself otherwise. Can't even fool myself anymore...

Last night Shane was switching channels and Rude Tube came on. There was this perfect looking Asian girl in her underwear on it and I freaked that he was watching it, even tho' he only put it on cos he was waiting for Big Bang Theory to start.

I actually turned into a complete psycho....

I'm ashamed to admit it but i was not only suicidal, but i got very violent with everything, including him (and I'm still feeling very guilty), took painkillers to see if it would make me sleep, made myself sick, and thought of just cutting the fat out of myself with a kitchen knife. I looked up an out of hours doctor but didn't want to leave Shane because i just wanted to talk to him and apologise for my mania.

Still feel horrible and I'm scaring myself with how much my self-hate is ruining my life. Can i not, for one second just be happy that he loves me? I mean, the guy switches channels when those phone chat ads come on, just cos he doesnt want me feeling bad! He's THAT fucking perfect! I cant lose him. Like how much more could he possibly do for me?

I need professional help. At this stage I wouldnt object if i was put in hospital if it would help me. I'm breaking my own heart!